pisces vs. virgo
similar to godzilla vs. kong...jk...kind of?
A couple of Saturdays ago, I initially woke up feeling fine. No hangover, no pounding headache, no churning stomach due to tequila sodas or many glasses of wine. But after sitting on my phone and getting up to go to the bathroom, anxiety starts to creep in. My hands reach for my stomach, only to find it uncomfortably sticking out. I’m so bloated, again, what did I do wrong? I thought I would feel better today!!!, I think, and it’s basically all downhill from there. I start panicking about why my right hip feels so tight, why I woke up so early, why does my face look so bad, what am I going to do today, what order should I get things done today, what am I eating that’s making me feel so terrible, how am I going to wear an outfit later if I feel like this, on and on and on. It’s like this basically every weekend. There’s a similar thought process on weekdays, but it’s somewhat drowned out by having to get to work. But Saturdays and Sundays are fair game for my anxiety to truly unleash and run wild. It doesn’t matter what’s on the agenda for the day. If I have plans with people, I start panicking about how I’m going to fit in my stretching routine, and will I be able to use my sauna blanket, and should I blow dry my hair or let it air dry, and how am I going to pick out an outfit if I feel so twisted inside my own body, etc. If I have nothing to do, I start playing mental Tetris of the various errands and chores I need to do that get ignored during the week and oh my god how am I going to get all of this done and now I’m going to procrastinate by watching Bravo and scrolling through influencer snark pages on Reddit. It doesn’t matter what astrological season we’re in, but on the weekend I’m first referring to, I could at least blame it on the Virgo full moon.
We get a Virgo full moon every Pisces season, which we’re currently floating through right now. When I first got into astrology, I thought Pisces and Virgo were the most vastly different of the opposing signs (Aries vs. Libra, Taurus vs. Scorpio, etc). Virgo is the often overlooked middle child of the Zodiac and Pisces is the glamorous but melancholy finale. Pisces are dreamy, ethereal creatures who perpetually have their head in the clouds, masters of illusions and delusions. Virgos are TOO on Earth, overly practical, concerned with all of the little details and minutiae of life, lovers of lists and schedules and plans. Pisces will go with the flow while Virgo desperately tries to control the flow. To me, the two seemed like they were oceans apart, too wide to ever come together. Pisces were too spacey, too unrealistic, too sensitive, and Virgos were much better at coping with real life. If this sounds biased and mean and unfair to Pisces, that’s because it is. For a long time, I had a major bone to pick with Pisces, the foil to my Virgo Sun. Two of my most significant relationships were and are with Pisces, and I’m not talking about in the romantic sense. I’m talking about my mom and my ex-best friend.
This week, I had two dreams involving both of these Pisces, two dreams that are constantly recurring for me. In the first one, I confronted my mom about something that devolved into a screaming match between the two of us. Even though the days of our frequent blowout fights are (mostly) behind us, we’re often ripping each other apart during my REM cycle. The second was more pleasant, but equally as jarring to wake up from. I ran into my ex-bff after I went to an AA meeting (lol) and we finally reconciled and apologized to each other for our massive falling out in 2018. This has been a frequent dream of mine for almost six years, and it’s always confusing and mildly upsetting to experience. My relationship with my mom and my ex-friend was extremely complicated, often without boundaries, and resulted in resentment that still resides deep in my bones. I often cast blame on their wicked Pisces suns for many of our issues, citing them as overly emotional, feeling frustrated that they never listened to me, that they were always choosing to be martyrs for bad reasons. But when I think about the things that really hurt me the most, they’re traits that are commonly associated with Virgos. They were unrelentingly picky, unfairly judgmental, brutally critical. And the more I think about my own issues, they’re all problems that come with being a Pisces. I can be horrible delusional, choosing to lie to myself over and over again so I can avoid taking accountability for the consequences of my actions. I struggle with overindulgence, addiction, and I spent so many years escaping the painful reality of my life by binge drinking. Was all my hatred towards Pisces just really things I hated about myself?
I guess all signs have it hard in their own way, but Virgos and Pisces have to bear a heavy burden. Virgos have to face and cope with the unflinching, annoying mundanities of life. Pisces have to carry the psychic trauma of past generations, their own generation, and the ones to come after them. Both signs flourish when they’re acting in service, but often get caught up sacrificing themselves for unworthy causes. They struggle with boundaries, wanting closeness and enmeshment with everyone they meet, which is why I’m terrified of connecting with people now that I don’t drink. And it’s not just Pisces who can be particular, Virgos can also be SO uptight, which is why Tommy teases me for getting upset because he “made the bed weird.” And I don’t want to only talk shit about Pisces who were and are so near to my heart. Obviously I love my mom so much, we just still have a lot of healing to do. I think she’s warm and funny and all I want is to be able to save her and simultaneously get her approval. And I would’ve never admitted it before, but losing my friend cut as deeply as a break up with a serious boyfriend. I acted cold and angry in the immediate aftermath, but as the years go on, I go through moments (usually after these dreams) of feeling so sad that I lost her, that we’ll never feel closeness like that again, that she goes through life without me now. Maybe the Pisces, like water, can move faster, while me, the earthbound Virgo, remains stuck for longer.
It happened again this weekend, the anxiety that rises like an overflowing tub until I’m fully submerged. There was no full moon to take the heat this time, only unrealistic expectations of my body and my time. Tommy and I had planned to clean the kitchen and the bathroom of our apartment, but I also had to shove in going for a run, meal prepping, research for a project, getting a sweater hemmed that I never should’ve bought, picking something up from Facebook Marketplace, and more. While trying to fix our malfunctioning record player, I felt like my brain was going to explode, and had to lie down in front of my space heater until I calmed down (usually I would have a screaming crying meltdown but my recent Prozac prescription makes this harder to do). It feels beyond embarrassing to admit this is how I spend most weekends, at age 32, when I should be able to function normally. I don’t know how to accept the version of myself that I am, so I’m always stuck in a place of failure and self-sabotage. The night before this Saturday freak out, I was with my Pilates instructor, who reminded me that I have to stop tensing and holding in my stomach if I ever want to heal my myriad of digestive and alignment issues. UHHHH NO!!!!!!!, was my initial thought, but since she said it, I’ve been reluctantly trying to practice it. Letting go of how my body and stomach should look and feel, of what I’m able to do, of my relentless control on life, of the friendships and relationships that we’re moving on from. Letting go.
ET