I had the following conversation with Olivia in June 2021:
Which somehow came as a shock, even after years of feeling magnified loneliness, jealousy, despair, etc from Memorial to Labor Day. Every spring I casually set expectations for what summer would be like - this summer’s going to be insane, this summer’s going to be so chill, etc etc and it never fulfills my randomly selected expectations. I want to specifically wind it back to last summer - summer 2021! Pandemic was “over”?? Everyone was going out again, the potential to have a wild spontaneous night in New York was back! Virginia and I used to ask Carolina to tell the story of our perfect night out, that started at Pasta Louise and ended with us on a rooftop at 4 am (but wouldn’t I be tired after dinner I would think, and also can I even stay up that late anymore??). I wanted that so badly after summer 2020 which was mostly spent inside because baseball started in July and the craziest thing I did was go back to my parents in New Jersey to watch Real Housewives of Potomac on their couch (my dad got really into it??). And summer 2020 was the beginning of my not drinking journey which sometimes feels easy and sometimes feels impossible, and during the summer it falls heavily on the latter end of the spectrum.
In the past, summer meant going out as much as possible, or drinking a lot of wine with my friends, or having huge Aperol Spritzes at a restaurant near my old apartment. I started thinking “hm maybe drinking isn’t working for me anymore” in summer 2018 but didn’t really do anything about it except attend a writing circle hosted by Sober Curious author Ruby Warrington. It took one final blackout over Memorial Day 2020 that left me hungover and depressed for the entire weekend to be like ok…I need to for real stop! This was also the very beginning of my Saturn return - very subtle!!
A lot of times people talk about a “pink cloud” that you get when you stop drinking - you become euphoric because you feel how good it is to experience LIFE clearly. I absolutely did NOT feel that way LOL. I felt fucking horrible! And I was only not drinking for a month! I cried all the time, expecting to feel 100% better immediately - instead all my emotions felt even more intense, I had no energy, and my body still felt like trash. But I made it through the month and finished that round of sobriety or whatever you want to call it with frozen drinks with Sydney at Evil Twin in Ridgewood. I biked home, finally feeling euphoric, and I was like, SO SUMMER BEGINS!
But that feeling didn’t last. I was drinking again and saw myself falling into the same patterns - being good at moderation a few times before it started slipping, feeling insanely anxious when I was hungover, sending TBD texts I would never send sober. And so I stopped again for July and August, and then drank for my birthday, and it still didn’t feel good, so I stopped for 4 months. This was when I started to feel like huh - things can change! I can feel better! So what did I do…START DRINKING AGAIN! I thought I was cured, that I had figured out how to do it because I barely even WANTED to drink anymore. Drew was staying at the Hoxton in Williamsburg and I decided to fuck it and get one glass of wine while we ate room service calamari. Two weeks and a lot of external chaos later was all it took for me to be blacking the fuck out in Olivia’s kitchen in Baltimore.
I went on and off with drinking for the rest of the winter and spring, but it was impossible to shake the this isn’t for you anymore feeling that started back in summer 2020. So a year after I stopped round 1, I decided to stop round 4 after having a few drinks with my parents and feeling that moremoremoremoremore feeling I can’t seem to not have while drinking. I had this realization during Olivia Rodrigo’s performance of Driver’s License on SNL and sobbed to my mom that I can’t do this anymore. The drama!!!
Trying to not drink, to pretend I wasn’t different anymore during a summer where everyone was fucking PARTYING, was almost impossible. I wanted to prove to myself I could still be fun, I wasn’t different, I could keep up with my friends - I wanted to fit in as many plans as possible and go on dates and have that mythical night out we discussed but sans alcohol. This was…a choice! Early in the summer I went to see my medium who told me I was going through a ‘purging period’ and then tried to get me in the program and I was like, absolutely not! I tried to go out in Greenpoint, to have cute impromptu picnics in McCarren, to go to every party I was invited to, but it was so draining. I felt out of sync with everyone, and then a fight within my immediate family that started in winter went nuclear, and then it felt like I really had no one.
This is when the above text happened. Boo! I sound so dark lol. But it was a shitty time! I feel like I was on a different path than literally everyone, and to sacrifice the identity I had tied myself to since I was a teen - it sucked. I started drinking when I was 14 and never wanted to stop. It made everything feel better, feel like magic, feel exciting, not all the time but enough times. Did it also give me tons of anxiety, get me in unsafe situations, and ruin some of my relationships…sure…but I had so many stories! It always felt worth it, until it didn’t.
Around the time I was like lol my life is actual hell, I was taking a writing class and I started to realize…hm…I have control over the narrative of my life! By July I had finally conceded that this summer, or summer in general, was maybe not for me, or the version of what I thought should happen wasn’t for me. I was like…what if I reframe things…and it’s actually COOL to sit in your room and listen to sad playlist when it’s nice out, or to cry on walks, or to mysteriously not drink. What if!! I’m realizing all of this sounds high drama but I can’t help it, I have a Leo Mercury conjunct Jupiter lol. Big drama!!! But this strategy, or reframing I guess, was helpful. I could play a role in my life and I called the shots! I was truly in a place of like, whatever as long as I make it out of the summer I guess whatever happens is fine. And I wanted to find “magic” in life sans drinking, and I did - in night swims in Georgia, in Paradise Garden on no sleep, in drinking watermelon juice during a torrential downpour, in sharing a bowl of white bean soup at Bamontes. I also got sick for half of August and spent 2 weeks doing nothing but working and watching KUWTK. Balance…I guess… lol
This brings me to my 30th birthday! That gave me about a month’s worth of existential crisis, and I was like ok - I’m allowed to drink for this! It’s a huge celebration (!!) (??) I had passion fruit margaritas on Carolina’s 30th (Aug 20th), rose at a family part on the 21st, tons of natural wine on the 22nd, and then on my actual birthday - the 24th - Katrina and I went to the McCarren hotel pool and had cucumber tequila drinks while listening to club remixes of Driver’s License (she strikes again) and the same Bad Bunny song on repeat. But same feeling descended that night - I don’t like this anymore - and one more wine night on the 26th, and I was done. And I haven’t drank since then! Truly crazy from a girl who literally only looked forward to activities where I drank, lol.
Ok so my lament about summer being bad just turned into my not drinking journey, but this takes up a huge chunk of my brain and even though I feel like I’m constantly talking about it, I guess I don’t widely share it so HERE IT IS! But even before I stopped drinking, I felt positively insane in the summer, usually because my drinking was getting out of control, and when I stopped I finally had to confront those feelings with no coping mechanism. Or IDK, I probably always feel insane but it’s more blown out in the summer when it feels like everyone except you is having the best time of their lives. And even this summer, when I’m deeper in this journey or whatever, when I’ve decided to not travel or do anything “fun” because I’m tired of feeling like I’m constantly resetting my life over and over, I still feel jealous/lonely/why is everyone having a better time than ME it’s not FAIR. I just want to know it’s okay to not go anywhere, to be WRITING AT 11 PM on a Friday night, to spend a beautiful day inside because you feel too anxious and just want to watch Bravo. Obviously no one is going to tell me this…so I have to tell myself…and also maybe tell you???
Katrina and I unofficially settled on this summer containing a “range of emotions” which I guess is just…existing! I guess I will keep everyone POSTED on the trajectory of my summer which I’m assuming will be both not great and great, as all things are lol. And with that…here’s my newsletter! I’ve wanted to start one since 2017 - original idea being how to be a wellness girl and a dirtbag party girl, which TBD if I was ever either let alone both, and then Abby and I worked on a joint writing project for years that produced a single newsletter, and now finally there’s this which is just like, life musings/probably more astrology focused in the future/recommendations bc I will buy basically anything people recommend to me and I’m like..someone ask me to recommend stuff…fine I’ll do it myself. I never finished writing this in June so…bye!
ET